And one more thing...

I generally do NOT go over what I've written because I don't want to critique it and make it not real. I don't want it all glossy and perfect. I want it to read how I speak. Make sense? So the next time someone want to leave a comment about how something didn't "flow"...well, I'll put it this way, I don't DO flow. Not gonna happen. And please try to remember that this is MY blog and I'll not flow if I wanna.

:O)

Choices

"Honey, we need to seriously have a talk" It all started with that sentence. It wasn't about bills or who left the milk in the glass on the counter. It was about changing our lives. Wait a minute...I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I want to say this to make it sound like I'm not freaking out and the truth of the matter is how can I NOT be? Here's the deal, David misses Dallas. Like REALLY misses him. We have lived 3 hours away from him for a few years now and it has taken it's emotional toll. So the CHOICE we made was that David was going to move to Lawrence. We made the CHOICE that I would stay here til Ches graduates in 2011. Details? Too many to acknowledge on my little blog. But we have made this decision, this choice...and now it's time to get on with the gettin' on. I can't tell you how much it aches me. Or how much it warms me to know that my kids have a wonderful father that would do ANYTHING for them. I can't express the jealousy I have of non~blended families cause it's their blessing to be that way. I can't be just a bit excited to have the whole bed so I can sleep diagonally cause that would just be wrong. I shouldn't want him to miss me enough to just drop everything and drive the 3 hours back to me. I can't take out my frustration of how new and scary all this is on Chesney. She's just a kid trusting me to be her rock. I can't be mad at anyone and I want to be damn it. I can't call Kristen and tell her how blessed she is that her son has the best father in every way shape and form and that I'm a fine addition to his life as well because she isnt' "liking" me right now.
But here's what I'm gonna do..I'm going to make the very best out of all this for the next 18 months or so. I'm going to smile, be mad,sad or pissed, love and cry when I feel like it and not when I think I'm supposed to. Life is all about choices and changes and rollin' with the punches. So here's my gut check. Bring it.

This is why...

I haven't been blogging much. Ok, hardly at all. I feel a kind of pressure to be ON when I blog. I want to entertain whomever is reading my blog. I feel like in some ways I need to be as good as my fellow bloggers and that my blog should be pretty and full of life and pics and antidotes of life. But here's the deal, I don't always feel ON and as a matter of fact when I'm alone and quiet THAT is when I don't feel any pressure to be anything or anyone other than just me. So with no apologies, I will allow myself to just BE. To just relax and not worry about being pretty or funny or lively or profound. I'm just going to wing it...hell, I'm too old to be worrying about such silly things for crying out loud. Pics may be posted, or may not. The funny story about what Dallas said the other day may be kept in my noggin. The sweet moments that Ches and I have talking may or may not make it to public knowledge. And the thoughts I have about family, marriage, friends and all things random may be blurted and blogged at a time when I can flail my arms about and tell you in person. But to all of you that have those pretty blogs and such, please don't take it that I'm goofing on you, I'm not at all! Please keep it up if you see fit. I love LOVE going to your blog and reading and seeing what you and yours are up to. I just have to throttle my worried lil brain back to a comfort zone. I know it's in there somewhere.

I know, I know.

So, yet again. Again. It's been a minute. Maybe more since I have posted anything new. Sorry. But not totally, here's the dealio...I have been busy. Summer bidness ya dig?
The kids are great! TBall was great! Cheer camp was Awesome! Dallas' swim lessons? Off without a hitch! He's such a lil fish. Oh, and can "totally go off the big dive".
Kids enrolled in school (yikes and ouch on the dinero front if ya hear me!)
We even found a bit of time to roadtrip it to Tennessee to see the family! WOOT! I knew that my family would L O V E my boys and boy did they. And Dallas has a new BFF in Uncle Marty. It's so sweet, everybody say "awwwww".

I'm well. Nothing to report, which is a good thing. I'm emotionally pretty much altogether. I have my paternal side of my family back. All is good in the world. The maternal side, eh. That's a whole other story.

David is awesome. But he knows that already. He just sits back and enjoys the ride of life and that is what I admire most about the man. Maybe I'll let him pick the movie next time. MAYBE :)

Buddy and Edna...

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Buddy would say, ‘Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter’

Edna always replied, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks’

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, ‘Edna, I’m 85 years old
If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance’

To this, Edna replied, “Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is
fifty bucks’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.

I’m impressed!’

Buddy replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

“Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!’

Barefoot Basketball

Those nerves of mush previously blogged about...yea, about those. So, Chesney and I get into Jacksonville and I'm so excited. Like, seriously. I had to pee it was that bad. So anyway, I grab Chesney's hand and tell her to NOT LET GO. My palms are sweaty with anticipation. We head down the way to meet my family, I catch a glimpse of my gorgeous Aunt Angie and ZOOM! I'm off! Leaving Ches in a trail of my dust.. ( she may have still had her hand in hand holding form, I have no idea) I tackle Aunt Angie. Truly I did. I just buried my face in her shoulder and breathed her in. So there we are in the middle of JAX and we're jumping and laughing and crying and hugging and repeating the whole thing over and again. ( I just couldn't help it!)

Fast forward a bit. My family is abundant in numbers. There are so many to see, to hug and to cry and laugh with. But the biggie, the Grand Pooba, the Main Event is...My Dad.

 It's been 22ish years, y'all. On the drive from Jacksonville, Fla. to Murfreesboro, Tn. I'm pretty much just trying to keep my mind on anything BUT seeing my dad. My stomach thanked me later. But when we hit that Tennessee border, it became real. What was I going to say? Would he want to hug me? Who would let go first if he did? Would I cry or be fighting that battle? UGH...I questioned every little thing. I was freaking myself out, getting a knot in my throat, the headache came on like I'd been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I was getting hot and cold, cotton~mouthed and downright nervous as hell. That is until My Uncle Foy (Aunt Angie's Husband) looks right at me and says this..."Girl, you're gonna do just fine. I'm proud of you and I'm right here if you need me." (Did I mention he's NEVER met me until just 2 days prior to this roadtrip and that he's pretty much the ISH?) For some reason, even though my Aunts have told me pretty much the same thing...hearing Uncle Foy speak those words and look me right in the eye calmed me. I don't know if I thanked him for that yet but somehow I think he already knows and if he doesn't, well, I'm gonna have to bust him in the mouth. (Ask me how to join the Club of Mouth Busters)

For some reason I don't want to spill my guts about my Dad and how it all went down. I'll keep it in my heart and hold on to it. But I will share this...
I don't remember who let go of that hug first, doesn't matter. He still smelled like I remember. He told me he loved me. And I got to play a little bit of barefoot Basketball... with my Dad.

Nerves of mush...

I'm a tough lil chica. Stop laughing. Seriously. Ok, maybe not ALL the time. See, the things is this...I'm a mess. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm a mess because I'm feeling the most vulnerable I have in like, oh, forever. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why I think most days I'm pretty put together and have my wits about me. All I need to get off my chest right now is this, I'm scared. Scared that this wonderful reunion will somehow leave me feeling hmmm, what's a good way to put this? Maybe feeling something along the lines of coulda, shoulda, woulda. Makes no sense at all right? Yea, tell me about it. But see, the thing is this, I have a very large extended family that I'm anxious to see and reconnect with after 20+ years and the grown woman and the lil girl in me are having a battle. The grown woman knows that it's going to be beautiful and safe and loving and I'll have them all the rest of my life. That little girl is scared that it will all just vanish again and I'll be left trying to figure out what I did wrong yet again. Ok..this is sounding like a pity party and if you know me you know how I HATE that so I'll just say this in closing...Nerves of mush, get over it. I'm going to take a "big deep breath" (thank you Aunt Angie) and know that "it is what it is" (thank you Aunt Sherry) and that this is going to be INCREDIBLE and that I am loved and this is only the beginning. I'm in store for some awesome times.

WORD

Plans change...and then there's Nick at Night

Ok peeps...a new countdown has begun. The trip that my Uncle and Aunt from California were going to make to visit us here has been postponed for a bit. But it's ok!! They will be flying in to Tennessee to meet Ches and I when we roadtrip it in from Florida! Woot! That's going to be very exciting! Ok..so now the closets can be once again be peeked in to.

On a different note, I find myself staying up late some nights watching old reruns of Roseanne, Golden Girls and whatever else is on Nick at Night. Now mind you, I've more than likely seen every episode of these shows (every.single.one) yet I'll just stay awake watching these shows and thinking about how old I was when I first saw that episode, or where I was living or what I was doing. I remember watching Golden Girls thinking...those ol ladies are ca~razy and when I get older I wanna have a group of ladies around me just like that. I mean whats not to love about hanging out with your best friends eating cheesecake at 1 in the morning?! Then Roseanne. I know some people may not like that show but I LOVED it. It showed a family with struggle but a family that had love. It was an unconventional, they were rowdy and hard workers, a house full of laughter and compassion. I saw that and longed to be a part of the Connor family. Roseanne and Dan seemed to be the ideal parents to me for some reason.
It's funny how I watched it then and what I learned from it as a young teen, and now as an adult I watch it and learn all over again.
oh...And I reallllly hated it when they won the lottery. Really.

Just another quickie

I know I should really be a bit more diligent about posting new blogs about the daily goings on in my life and the lives of the ones I love but geez...if I did that I would NEVER shuddup!! But I'll give you a quick rundown~

1. My house is clean, but not clean enough for the company (Uncle Danny and Aunt Karyn) that will be here from California in 6 days. Note...don't look under the beds cause that's where a lot of crap will be hidden. No, seriously. ;)

2. Found out that the airlines Chesney and I will be flying on charge $15 dollars PER BAG. What?! So, I'd rather spend my money on worthwhile things like new bathing suits and flip flops and cheesy/tacky gifts to bring back home..Ches and I MUST figure out a way to pack all our stuff into one suitcase, albeit GINORMOUS suitcase to make it worth it.

3. Airlines I say? Flight? Oh, did I forget to mention that we will be flying to Florida next month to visit my beautiful Aunts Angie and Sherry and their families? Oh no? Well, we are! Control your jealousy please! :)

4. I am not defined by my hair. It's just hair. My long, thick, brunette hair. Ahhh, the good ol days. That's all I'm saying, you'll have to see for yourself.

5. David is by far the greatest clothes folder. Ever. Now if I can just get him to put away those expertly folded clothes.

6. Come on TBall, Dallas is ready for ya! That kid's gonna be a star I tell ya!

7. Oh, and I'm almost 34. Woot?

Boo Boo's and Band-Aids

Remember when you were a kid and you got a little scrape, boo boo, owie or whatever your little name was for it and your (insert care giver/make it better person here) would clean it all up, put some medicine on it and gently blow on it to tame the sting then put a band aid on it and somehow it all felt better? The thing probably didn't even need a band aid you just wanted it cause the whole process of getting it made you feel better. And if it was a fancy one with a character on it or was anything other than a plain old tan one you instantly felt better and ran off to show the thing to everyone!! Then you got older and were told to "buck up", "quit crying", "it's not that big of a deal" And you felt all let down and you had to comfort yourself AND get your own damn band aid. Yea...hmmm, the good old days.

Which brings me to this....I don't ever want to stop giving out the kisses and band aids. In all senses of the sort. From little to big kids...we all sometimes need a kiss and hug and a "it'll feel better soon, I promise" from time to time. Sometimes just hearing someone you care about tell you everything's gonna be ok...really makes you feel like it will. No matter what the situation is just knowing that someone else thinks it's gonna be better puts a little band aid on your heart or mind and you feel better. Mind you the owie is still under there but you somehow feel lighter, a little less hurt and a little more~ well, safe. So if any of you ever feel like you need a band aid for any reason...I'll do my best to wrap ya up and make you feel better. Cause everything really is going to be OK.

I write all this while having a Curious George band~aid on my right index finger. Did I really need it? Probably not, but it feels a little better all wrapped around it. It's safe from the element of air or laundry detergent as I do yet another load. I also have one on my heart cause someone I love told me it was going to get better....and it has.

Forgive

Everyone has had a moment (or two) in life where forgiveness has either been asked of or needed. People say, "oh, just forgive and forget" or "all's forgiven".
Well, the word "FORGIVE" has been heavy on my heart lately. Really almost consuming. I don't know if it's ME that needs FORGIVEN or if FORGIVENESS needs to be asked of me. Probably and most likely, it's both. Sometimes this comes easy and other times it's the hardest thing anyone can ask, or give. I wonder if it's easier to just say "sorry" or "I love you" or even an "I've missed you". Hmmm. I have some thinking to do. I think maybe this quote I found a while back can help me...

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.
~Hannah More~

Oh where do I begin?

I can't even begin to begin! It's that insane, incredible, blessed, awesome, spectacular I have not fully grasped it yet. Folks, I have found family. The McNeal's that is. It's such a long story and I'm at work (kinda working, kinda not) so I can't get into a whole lot but I'll just say this for now, I AM LOVED. And I LOVE THEM RIGHT BACK.

Ches vs. Penelope Cruz

So, Chesney and I are in my room last night. I'm in the closet trying to get it back in the order that I like it as I have NO IDEA how I let it all go to hell. I'm talking clothes everywhere, shoes here and there and God only knows how many bras hanging from whatever protruding anything they can. Plus the small dresser in my closet runneth the hell over. Inside and on top of it. Clothes, perfume, makeup, hairties, bobby pins, change, movie stubs, tags from new clothes and the shopping bags from those new clothes. Get the picture here? Chesney is on the bed with the tv on watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 (we love that show but damn, Kate can be such a biatch!) and she's doing Spanish homework. We're just in there, together. Not doing much talking, only bits and pieces here and again. But I stopped in the middle of the mess in the closet and looked up at her. My 16 year old girl. I wondered why she was in there with me instead of her room, music blaring, texting, and doing homework. I immediately shook off the thought and just decided that she WANTED to be in there with me. Just to be close. I wasn't going to ask her or question it any farther. I loved her being in the room with me for no reason.
Then she asks me a question. Spanish homework question. Now, I know a bit of Spanish. I lived in Spain with my dad for a year or so back in the day and had a Spanish stepmother so I had to pick up a lil bit didn't I? Anyways, she asks me the question which is "blah blah blah, Spanish something, blah Spanish, blah Spanish."
I really tried to understand. Tried to help her, but for the life of me, I have absolutely NO CLUE as to what she just said!! So, I just sit on the edge of the bed, handful of clothes in hand, and say just that.
Me..."Ches, I have no clue."
Then Ches says, (deadpans) "Oh,so when Penelope Cruz gave her acceptance speech for her Oscar last night and at the end says a whole bunch of Spanish you can rattle off the translation to me but I ask you a lil 2nd year Spanish question and you can't answer it?"
Me..."Ya, pretty much."
Ches.."OK, just checking."

We go about our business of cleaning the closet, doing Spanish homework and watching Jon and Kate Plus 8. Ah, that's good times right there.

And thennnn

I'm feeling kind of restless right now. Don't really know why. I feel like doing something yet...feel like doing nothing. Ying Yang. Pish Posh. My days are always filled with lots of things going on. Between BBall games and family and friends and work and every single thing that fills up my normal day I, like I'm sure many other women either wish there was an extra hour or two in the day or we wish there was a couple less. I mean, if there is less that 24 hours would we be spared time? Probably not. What is it that I'm talking about? I have no idea. I'm rambling. ugh.
That's better.

Now...tonight I'm going to Amy's and she's hooking me up with a much needed and warmly appreciated pedicure! You know wanna know how I know she's like one of THE most AWESOME friends ever? She is TOTALLY afraid of dry cotton balls but is still going to hook me up with a pedi!! Now back to this dry cotton ball thing. Don't laugh. Ok, laugh a lil bit. But seriously, the girl can't stand it dry...but if it's soaked with polish remover, she's good.
Then, or is after the pedi...we are going to ATB to get our spray on. Tan that is. Hey, it's better than fake baking. The smell of it is only slightly offensive. :) The smell only lasts for a bit (thank the Lord) so it's worth it. But dang, I'm looking sunned and fabulous!! HEHE
AND THEN....I'm coming home to wash this gray right outta my hair. Yep, I said it. Ugh. Grays. Foxy Brown is the color I go with everytime. LOVE IT.
AND THENNN.... I'm going to bed. Late as usual I'm sure.

So now that everyone knows my bid~ness, Peace and Love y'all!!

I know...I know!

It's been a while. Ok...so a long while but dang I've been busy. Or kinda. I don't know what I've been. It's been a long story the last few weeks. I'll get around to telling it. All's well, things have changed a bit, and life is going on.
More later, but not too much later.