Anyhow, like I was saying, I'm in Braums yesterday and I notice this woman struggling to open the door as she is holding a purse that can only be carried if you're of linebacker size. This thing is HUGE. Not just big, I'm talking GI~NOR~MOUS. And it's not even cute. But I digress...not only is she carrying this "purse" she is talking (yelling) on her cell and juggling her keys. Now let me paint you a picture. This is not just a run of the mill key chain, no ma'am. It's the Rolls Royce of key rings. It's got bells and whistles, literally. It's got to weigh 4-5 pounds and I can only think to myself that's got to be hell on her ignition although I'm not sure why I'm thinking that. Probably some urban legend thing I may have heard growing up or something an old boyfriend told me about my key ring when I was 16 so I would take off 1-2 pounds of my keyring. Sooo, I go open the door for her.
I'm nice like that.
As I open the door I say, "Looks like you have your hands full." This "lady" says to me, "Your point?" And continues to talk unnecessarily loud on her cell phone. (tilt your head, furrow your brow and say WHAT..here) I just turned and walked away in disbelief at her rudeness. Geez, I was just trying to be nice. Not thirty seconds later I swear... she drops the keys. And of course everyone in the store hears this happen cause like I said, it's heavy and full of dangly crap. But not only is that the sound we hear, it is followed by a very shrill overflow of expletives streaming out of her overly sparkled glossed mouth. Hello?! Children and lil old ladies are in here!! But since I'm the closet to her and I do it without thinking, I bend over and heave her keys off the floor and as I'm handing them to her she JERKS them out of my hands. But wait!! There are so many doodads, whatnots, thingybobs and dooma~flachies on the thing my pinky is caught and she damn near rips it off! YOUCH!! I look at her in a pained/pissy kinda way (what, you didn't think I was going to let that slide completly did you?) and she says in a way that can only be described as BITCHY, "These are mine." I'll just let you simmer on that one for a second. I had to as well, plus I had to make sure my poor pretty little pinky finger was ok. It's my favorite digit.
Onlookers. Yep, it's a small town people and an even smaller area we're in so they are everywhere. A few of them just kind of shuffle along muttering under their breath cause they have no doubt seen and heard everything that has transpired in the last minute and a half, and hopefully just as surprised as I. There's a little man, and by little I mean just an inch or so taller than me little that notices that I'm looking like a deer in the headlights staring at Bertha then my pinky, then back at Bertha (that's what I've named her by the way) and cracks a smile and says, "Her husband has gotta be miserable." I feel better.
I get in the short line with my goodies and I can still feel my heart beating in my poor lil digit. I'm trying not to look at her. I'm fully irritated and am willing myself not to accidently on purpose knock her eggs out of her hands, when of course...Bertha steps in line right behind me. Great. She's still on the phone, still jangling (Jangling is a word, look it up in the Tonya~ism Dictionary along with Dooma~flachies) her key thing, still lugging around "Gertrude" the purse. If Gertrude was a color, it would be the color of this purse. I continue in line just looking off into nothing just begging for it to be my turn so I can get the hell outta there. Finally, I pay for my items, grab my stuff and head toward the door. The last thing I hear as the door behind me starts to close is....
Wait for it...
"Where the F@!K is my wallet?!?!"
Have a nice day :)
3 comments:
AWE! Makes me want to slap a bumper sticker on Gertrude (and/or Bertha...) that says "Life is really good, if ya just let it be."
Ahh people like that annoy me! Just reading that peed me off a little lol...although the last thing she said made me laugh - serves her right hehe.
Have a good weekend! Love, Becca xxx.
There is a word for people like that.....CRAZY. She's not married, she just talk to herself on that cellphone living in her own made up world where people are conspiring against her (and her keys!) You did your good deed for the day for 1) trying to help her not once, but twice, and 2)Not yelling any expletives back at her when she was so rude. My only question....what did you do with her wallet? ;)
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