Breathing. Typing. Tripping.

It's a wonder sometimes how I'm still alive and considered somewhat normal. Let me tell you a few reasons why.

When I get stressed out or start worrying about stuff that is under my control or waaay out of it, I tend to hold my breath. Not til I'm about to pass out or anything, it's jut something I've always done. Nervous habit? Coping mechanism? OCD? I don't know what it is. Just when my lungs feel that pressure something just clicks and I am jolted into remembering the vital need of oxygen. Yay for deep breaths.

There are times when I'm watching tv or getting ready to dose off I'll start typing. Not computer typing, it's more like blanket typing or arm typing or typing on anything that is near my right hand. Yep, it's one handing typing cause I'm skilled like that I guess. I'll just start typing out what is being said on the show I'm watching or the thoughts that are running through my head or the lyrics to my new fave song of the moment and sometimes I'll just type the conversation that I'm having. Now I never said if it was the one I was actually having with someone or the one I was having with myself but I suppose it doesn't matter cause I'm air~typing after all. There are some people, and you know who you are, that have felt me typing on them. I'll start typing on the arm that is draped around me or on a back that I'm supposed to be scratching. Sometimes they feel it and sometimes it's so lightly done that they don't realize I'm doing it and honestly most of the time I don't realize that I'm doing it either. Funny thing (as if this wasn't funny/weird enough) is that when I do realize I'm typing is when I'll make a mistake in spelling or miss a punctuation and I'll backspace or delete to fix it. Humph.

Nine times out of ten if there is something that most people would never trip on, I'll trip on it. I'll trip on an imaginary step even. Upstairs, downstairs, carpet, hardwood, outside or inside...if I'm walking, I'm trippin. Oh,and I bump into stuff a lot. I can not walk a straight line and so sorry if you've been walking along side me and I've bumped into you or started walking sideways. It is not a good idea to be in a store with a lot of breakables. I'm not drunk I promise. I think I'm just one of those people that can't walk and talk and chew gum at the same time. I'm not talking about random clutziness, as most people suffer from that from time to time. I'm talking I do this all the time. Everyday. Several times a day. Ok, maybe not several but at least once or twice on a good day. Sometimes I fall flat and get a bit banged up and it's usually my right hip that gets the brunt of it. Sometimes I gracefully (HA) recover or land gently. It's a sight I tell ya. Or so people say. I trip on my own feet and believe me, I can or have already tripped over your feet. Don't ask, I don't have the answer. Can you believe I've not broken anything? Yeah, me neither.

And I am random. Ya think?

Nerves of mush...

I'm a tough lil chica. Stop laughing. Seriously. Ok, maybe not ALL the time. See, the things is this...I'm a mess. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm a mess because I'm feeling the most vulnerable I have in like, oh, forever. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why I think most days I'm pretty put together and have my wits about me. All I need to get off my chest right now is this, I'm scared. Scared that this wonderful reunion will somehow leave me feeling hmmm, what's a good way to put this? Maybe feeling something along the lines of coulda, shoulda, woulda. Makes no sense at all right? Yea, tell me about it. But see, the thing is this, I have a very large extended family that I'm anxious to see and reconnect with after 20+ years and the grown woman and the lil girl in me are having a battle. The grown woman knows that it's going to be beautiful and safe and loving and I'll have them all the rest of my life. That little girl is scared that it will all just vanish again and I'll be left trying to figure out what I did wrong yet again. Ok..this is sounding like a pity party and if you know me you know how I HATE that so I'll just say this in closing...Nerves of mush, get over it. I'm going to take a "big deep breath" (thank you Aunt Angie) and know that "it is what it is" (thank you Aunt Sherry) and that this is going to be INCREDIBLE and that I am loved and this is only the beginning. I'm in store for some awesome times.

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