Sometimes I go far away. 'Scuse meh.

I keep a part of myself far away. 

  A feisty gal  like me can only allow a fleeting exposure 'less I forget how to move around comfortably in my own life. I have to remember to come back, you know.. to tend to all these moving parts so to speak. Still, you might catch me from time to time looking as though I’m not listening.

          I might seem to be far away.

That’s because I am. I’m farther away than you can imagine.  I sometimes get all wrapped up in the motion of being in motion that I forget to take care of ME.  The brains of this operation.  So many times so many of us get to forgetting about the "me" in all of us. We're Moms and Dads and coworkers and coaches and friends and blah blah blah ( don't get your britches in bunch, I'm not saying those people are blah, it's just a figure of speech, yeesh)  We need to take the drivers seat, or backseat, however you chose to see the sights and just BE.

        Gawd, I sound like a hippie. Eh, so be it.

So, I've been here and there. I've not been a good blogger. I've been a damn fine note taker though.  (Maybe I'll blog about them later, maybe not)

I apologize that I cannot bring you with me, wait..am I really?  Not too terribly much 'cause really, you might mess with my flow, my train of thought, my confusion/brilliance.  But don’t worry. I won’t be gone long.

Friends, I hope you 're well.
Loves

The post that has no title. Yet.

Ain't it funny how sometimes the family we were born in to, the society of that group, is the one thing about them that you dislike the most? It's funny though, how quickly I become irritated when someone from the outside levels criticisms against or mocks people I consider my people. Hate without love, I think, is what's wrong. Unless you have the love, the hate is ugly. When you have the love, when you can understand, when you've been there, your hate means something. The hate can be tragically beautiful.  Whoa, that was deep.


       What prompts this deep thinking, you ask? 

Well, lemme tell ya.  I had a dream last night.  I went to bed feeling quite content and calm.  I woke up at 3ish in the morning, hold on...rather I was WOKEN up by a horrible dream, and by horrible I mean I was being chased and my God, I hate to be chased. HATE. BEING. CHASED. (Did ya get that?)  It startled me so that I sat up and had to take a few deep breaths to resurrect the normal flow of oxygen.  So, I tried with great effort to calm down and drift off to sweet dream land. ( HA! Yeah, like that was gonna happen.)   Sooo, of course my mind starts going, running, bouncing and generally feels like it's gonna squirt all the nonsense I have in my brain all over the room. I start thinking about childhood, earliest memory to High School type stuff.  I started thinking about family.  The kind you're born into, the kind that is brought to you, the kind you find, the kind you build and the kind that finds you.  I have been and am a part of all those types of family. Hey, aren't we all?

                                                   You still with me in all this ramble?

The thing that stuck out the most last night as I was laying there thinking all over the place;
I have quite a  vivid picture of Louisiana—from the short time I lived there—is this species of large tree with great tangles of exposed roots. I'm not sure what sort of tree that was, but I always thought it was lovely and brave. I hoped someday I could show my roots so openly and proudly as that tree.
 
Can you see my roots? The gnarly ones ones that look battered and beaten?  How about the ones that look smoothed out by a soft rain?  Oh, and the lovely ones that look fresh and new? Even the ones that are hidden under some dirt?

I hope you can.  I'm proud of them all.

Baby, it's cold outside.

The cold is creeping in, Winter has reared it's freezing head once again.  It has invaded my bones, it has chapped my lips, brittled my hair. Yet it is somehow still so inviting... it reaches my nose with  this...Clean.Cold. Pure. And I love it.

I feel that Winter picks my hair up with it's long, spindly fingers, and licks it until icicles hang, and my cheeks are turned to red apples.  But I feel warmth, because Winter allows us to slow down and cocoon ourselves up at home, wrapped up in blankets and tall socks away from the icy chill, encased in a big warm hug. It welcomes us to brew warmth in a cup, hot chocolate with marshmallows....yes, please.
Dare I say I don't mind Winter?  Despite some of my grumblings about the cold, or wind, or ice, winter is not half bad. I love watching kids eyes sparkle at the very thought of going to the park and sledding. I love snowball fights (just don't hit me in the face cause that would just piss.me.off) I love breaking off  icicles.  I love the Moon in Winter and even more so when it glows off the snowy land. I love the smell of coming snow. People are just very fickle. We want what we haven't got, and when we get it, we no longer want it. In the summer, "I wish it were cool and Wintery", in Winter, "I wish it was warm and Summery". You can't exactly have both at the same time. Oh my, doesn't that hold true with most everything in life?
Enjoy the frost flowers on the windowpanes and enjoy the feeling of a hot shower (pin pricky as it may feel) after you've been outdoors, enjoy making snowmen, or snow angels, and don't forget about making snow ice cream!  I don't believe in living each day as my last cause that just seems kinda morbid to me, but I do believe in keeping the idea close in my thoughts, so as to motivate me to live each day with laughter and love.

I opened the door this morning to do only one thing...Breathe.

Snow. Cold. Clean. Pure.

A cranky girl says, What?!

I used to think I was a really "let it roll off my back" kinda person, but if I sit here and think about it for oh, a split second...not so much. In fact, I seem to be less tolerant than I used to be. I get easily irritated when people walk a pinch too slow in front of me. Heaven forbid someone doesn't use their blinker on Main St. And oh my how my feathers will ruffle if some Junior High girl is talking in her loudest, squeakiest, "and then I told him all about so and so who told me that she was texting him while he was texting me" voice right.in.my.ear.
I used to not care so much or shall I say it wasn't as noticed. Does this mean I'm getting older and thereby more "cranky"?! Are the next words out of my mouth going to be, "Kids these days! Turn whatever that is down! Some of us work for a living!"?!
I shake my fist and yell....HELL NO!! And here's why:

1. I like my music loud. Not sound warp loud but I love to roll down the highway to clear my mind while blaring music. Sometimes it's some 80's mashup of Phil Collins or Metallica. Another time it's Loretta and Split Lip Rayfield. No matter, if I'm in the mood, it's gonna be so loud that my seat vibrates and I can feel it in my heart, in more ways than the obvious. If you don't know what that feels like, oh man, you just aren't living right.

2. I laugh at any and all bodily functions. Yeah. Nothing beats a good fart. It's something that all of us do, there's even a book called Everyone Poops. Of course everyone knows what it feels like to fumble with house key while doing the peepee dance. You rush in the house dropping the groceries, damn the eggs anyway, lose the purse along the way, unzip, unbutton, squiggle out of, sit down JUST in the nick of time annnnnnnnd, whooosh! Ahhh. Sweet Lord, I almost peed my pants. If you didn't smile and nod your head in agreement to that, go drink a lot of water and hold it til I say when.

3. Babies. I love their smell, the coo's, the little grin that comes over their face when they pass gas. (see, back to farting) I love to hold them and squish their squishy little fat rolls. I love even more the fact that I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to tend to them. (um, what does this whole baby thing have to do with the getting cranky/old subject? Not sure, just go with it)

4. I play Bejewelled Blitz at work. Yeah, I said it. I'm not always nose to the grindstone. This girl needs a break from the coding and billing and researching! It's good for the company in the long run. I mean, do they really want me all burned out? I think not. See, an old cranky person wouldn't screw off while at work, would they?

One final thought, age is nothing but a state of mind, right? And we change our minds oh, a bajillion times a day. So, on any given day/moment I can be like a curious 4 year old. Or maybe a rebellious teen. Ooh, how about a whiney "my jeans don't fit" 35 year old? I may be a bit less tolerant, cranky, older...whatever the case may be, I'm just gonna have to roll with it. Just use your blinker, mmkay?

And one more thing...

I generally do NOT go over what I've written because I don't want to critique it and make it not real. I don't want it all glossy and perfect. I want it to read how I speak. Make sense? So the next time someone want to leave a comment about how something didn't "flow"...well, I'll put it this way, I don't DO flow. Not gonna happen. And please try to remember that this is MY blog and I'll not flow if I wanna.

:O)

Nerves of mush...

I'm a tough lil chica. Stop laughing. Seriously. Ok, maybe not ALL the time. See, the things is this...I'm a mess. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm a mess because I'm feeling the most vulnerable I have in like, oh, forever. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why I think most days I'm pretty put together and have my wits about me. All I need to get off my chest right now is this, I'm scared. Scared that this wonderful reunion will somehow leave me feeling hmmm, what's a good way to put this? Maybe feeling something along the lines of coulda, shoulda, woulda. Makes no sense at all right? Yea, tell me about it. But see, the thing is this, I have a very large extended family that I'm anxious to see and reconnect with after 20+ years and the grown woman and the lil girl in me are having a battle. The grown woman knows that it's going to be beautiful and safe and loving and I'll have them all the rest of my life. That little girl is scared that it will all just vanish again and I'll be left trying to figure out what I did wrong yet again. Ok..this is sounding like a pity party and if you know me you know how I HATE that so I'll just say this in closing...Nerves of mush, get over it. I'm going to take a "big deep breath" (thank you Aunt Angie) and know that "it is what it is" (thank you Aunt Sherry) and that this is going to be INCREDIBLE and that I am loved and this is only the beginning. I'm in store for some awesome times.

WORD

Plans change...and then there's Nick at Night

Ok peeps...a new countdown has begun. The trip that my Uncle and Aunt from California were going to make to visit us here has been postponed for a bit. But it's ok!! They will be flying in to Tennessee to meet Ches and I when we roadtrip it in from Florida! Woot! That's going to be very exciting! Ok..so now the closets can be once again be peeked in to.

On a different note, I find myself staying up late some nights watching old reruns of Roseanne, Golden Girls and whatever else is on Nick at Night. Now mind you, I've more than likely seen every episode of these shows (every.single.one) yet I'll just stay awake watching these shows and thinking about how old I was when I first saw that episode, or where I was living or what I was doing. I remember watching Golden Girls thinking...those ol ladies are ca~razy and when I get older I wanna have a group of ladies around me just like that. I mean whats not to love about hanging out with your best friends eating cheesecake at 1 in the morning?! Then Roseanne. I know some people may not like that show but I LOVED it. It showed a family with struggle but a family that had love. It was an unconventional, they were rowdy and hard workers, a house full of laughter and compassion. I saw that and longed to be a part of the Connor family. Roseanne and Dan seemed to be the ideal parents to me for some reason.
It's funny how I watched it then and what I learned from it as a young teen, and now as an adult I watch it and learn all over again.
oh...And I reallllly hated it when they won the lottery. Really.

Just another quickie

I know I should really be a bit more diligent about posting new blogs about the daily goings on in my life and the lives of the ones I love but geez...if I did that I would NEVER shuddup!! But I'll give you a quick rundown~

1. My house is clean, but not clean enough for the company (Uncle Danny and Aunt Karyn) that will be here from California in 6 days. Note...don't look under the beds cause that's where a lot of crap will be hidden. No, seriously. ;)

2. Found out that the airlines Chesney and I will be flying on charge $15 dollars PER BAG. What?! So, I'd rather spend my money on worthwhile things like new bathing suits and flip flops and cheesy/tacky gifts to bring back home..Ches and I MUST figure out a way to pack all our stuff into one suitcase, albeit GINORMOUS suitcase to make it worth it.

3. Airlines I say? Flight? Oh, did I forget to mention that we will be flying to Florida next month to visit my beautiful Aunts Angie and Sherry and their families? Oh no? Well, we are! Control your jealousy please! :)

4. I am not defined by my hair. It's just hair. My long, thick, brunette hair. Ahhh, the good ol days. That's all I'm saying, you'll have to see for yourself.

5. David is by far the greatest clothes folder. Ever. Now if I can just get him to put away those expertly folded clothes.

6. Come on TBall, Dallas is ready for ya! That kid's gonna be a star I tell ya!

7. Oh, and I'm almost 34. Woot?

Boo Boo's and Band-Aids

Remember when you were a kid and you got a little scrape, boo boo, owie or whatever your little name was for it and your (insert care giver/make it better person here) would clean it all up, put some medicine on it and gently blow on it to tame the sting then put a band aid on it and somehow it all felt better? The thing probably didn't even need a band aid you just wanted it cause the whole process of getting it made you feel better. And if it was a fancy one with a character on it or was anything other than a plain old tan one you instantly felt better and ran off to show the thing to everyone!! Then you got older and were told to "buck up", "quit crying", "it's not that big of a deal" And you felt all let down and you had to comfort yourself AND get your own damn band aid. Yea...hmmm, the good old days.

Which brings me to this....I don't ever want to stop giving out the kisses and band aids. In all senses of the sort. From little to big kids...we all sometimes need a kiss and hug and a "it'll feel better soon, I promise" from time to time. Sometimes just hearing someone you care about tell you everything's gonna be ok...really makes you feel like it will. No matter what the situation is just knowing that someone else thinks it's gonna be better puts a little band aid on your heart or mind and you feel better. Mind you the owie is still under there but you somehow feel lighter, a little less hurt and a little more~ well, safe. So if any of you ever feel like you need a band aid for any reason...I'll do my best to wrap ya up and make you feel better. Cause everything really is going to be OK.

I write all this while having a Curious George band~aid on my right index finger. Did I really need it? Probably not, but it feels a little better all wrapped around it. It's safe from the element of air or laundry detergent as I do yet another load. I also have one on my heart cause someone I love told me it was going to get better....and it has.

Forgive

Everyone has had a moment (or two) in life where forgiveness has either been asked of or needed. People say, "oh, just forgive and forget" or "all's forgiven".
Well, the word "FORGIVE" has been heavy on my heart lately. Really almost consuming. I don't know if it's ME that needs FORGIVEN or if FORGIVENESS needs to be asked of me. Probably and most likely, it's both. Sometimes this comes easy and other times it's the hardest thing anyone can ask, or give. I wonder if it's easier to just say "sorry" or "I love you" or even an "I've missed you". Hmmm. I have some thinking to do. I think maybe this quote I found a while back can help me...

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.
~Hannah More~

I know...I know!

It's been a while. Ok...so a long while but dang I've been busy. Or kinda. I don't know what I've been. It's been a long story the last few weeks. I'll get around to telling it. All's well, things have changed a bit, and life is going on.
More later, but not too much later.

One of those nights...

I should be in bed sleeping. I was dog tired 3 hours ago and here it is almost midnight and I'm fiddling around on this and so NOT sleeping. My brain is ON and my body is by all means (seriously) OFF.
So what I want to know is...What keeps you up at night? What thoughts run through your mind like lumbering trains that never seem to end? Is it kids? Work? Or something even more interesting like, "I should really shave my legs. That new fabric softner really doesn't hold it's scent. I think I'll make Turkey burgers for dinner next Thursday. Wow, I can't believe I had that pen mark on my nose all day and not a soul told me. How did I get pen on my nose? And the list goes on and on and on....
Let it out! Tell me I'm not the only one that is kept from beautiful, peaceful and much needed sleep.

Now I lay me down to sleep.