Days went by

Back in December of 2009 I told you all a little story about Choices. If I had a bit more computer knowledge I would link you to that post but, eh, go fish.  Here we are, a year and half later and I'm giving you an update from a cozy little corner in a Lawrence Dillons cafe whilst sipping on an empty but the ice Starbucks iced coffee. 
 We did it! We had some trips, cries, hairpulls and a lot of chewed off nails but we did it. Just as planned..and holy hell when does that ever happen?! We made it through the Great Divide as I've just named it.  Chesney graduated with flying colors and I moved to Lawrence. Just like that. HA! If it were really that simple. Here's how it went...plus or minus.

I cried. A lot. Ches slept in my bed sometimes because I asked her to and sometimes because we were in the middle of a movie marathon. David and Dallas came home on some weekends and sometimes I headed North.  Chesney rebelled a bit, and hey, she deserved to, to some degree.  David got jealous because I had friends to keep me company and he didn't.  Dallas rolled with the punches cause he's incredibly cool like that. I prayed.

  I laughed. A lot. My friends rescued me.  My friends had no clue and that really pissed me off/made me happy.  David and I grew stronger in friendship, honesty and humor. Chesney had too much on her plate. Dallas knew more than we did.  David got depressed and reached out to me and his Momma. I wondered if we were gonna make it.

  My Dad made me smile.  My Aunt Angie prayed for us.  David worked his butt off. I hated my job. Chesney and I grew even tighter.  I lost my mind.  Dallas had us all in stiches. I stopped praying.

  We got money poor.  Our family got stronger. We got mentally rich.  I got way to used to sleeping without David.  Dallas lost 3 teeth. Chesney grew up.  I threw a fit. David cried. I started praying.

  I fell apart and picked myself back up.  We laughed.  I realized we were gonna make it.  Chesney cried. Dallas helped her laugh. We all got real busy. A friend hurt the hell outta me. Helping David helped me. And then.....

We made it. We flip friggin' made it!  Ches graduated one weekend and helped me move the next.  There's a lot of gaps in this story but I think y'all get the gist of it, and this was not all in order. All is pretty dang well, although man, do I miss that baby girl of mine.

Oh...and I'm used to sleeping beside David every night. Again. Finally.

Choices

"Honey, we need to seriously have a talk" It all started with that sentence. It wasn't about bills or who left the milk in the glass on the counter. It was about changing our lives. Wait a minute...I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I want to say this to make it sound like I'm not freaking out and the truth of the matter is how can I NOT be? Here's the deal, David misses Dallas. Like REALLY misses him. We have lived 3 hours away from him for a few years now and it has taken it's emotional toll. So the CHOICE we made was that David was going to move to Lawrence. We made the CHOICE that I would stay here til Ches graduates in 2011. Details? Too many to acknowledge on my little blog. But we have made this decision, this choice...and now it's time to get on with the gettin' on. I can't tell you how much it aches me. Or how much it warms me to know that my kids have a wonderful father that would do ANYTHING for them. I can't express the jealousy I have of non~blended families cause it's their blessing to be that way. I can't be just a bit excited to have the whole bed so I can sleep diagonally cause that would just be wrong. I shouldn't want him to miss me enough to just drop everything and drive the 3 hours back to me. I can't take out my frustration of how new and scary all this is on Chesney. She's just a kid trusting me to be her rock. I can't be mad at anyone and I want to be damn it. I can't call Kristen and tell her how blessed she is that her son has the best father in every way shape and form and that I'm a fine addition to his life as well because she isnt' "liking" me right now.
But here's what I'm gonna do..I'm going to make the very best out of all this for the next 18 months or so. I'm going to smile, be mad,sad or pissed, love and cry when I feel like it and not when I think I'm supposed to. Life is all about choices and changes and rollin' with the punches. So here's my gut check. Bring it.

Barefoot Basketball

Those nerves of mush previously blogged about...yea, about those. So, Chesney and I get into Jacksonville and I'm so excited. Like, seriously. I had to pee it was that bad. So anyway, I grab Chesney's hand and tell her to NOT LET GO. My palms are sweaty with anticipation. We head down the way to meet my family, I catch a glimpse of my gorgeous Aunt Angie and ZOOM! I'm off! Leaving Ches in a trail of my dust.. ( she may have still had her hand in hand holding form, I have no idea) I tackle Aunt Angie. Truly I did. I just buried my face in her shoulder and breathed her in. So there we are in the middle of JAX and we're jumping and laughing and crying and hugging and repeating the whole thing over and again. ( I just couldn't help it!)

Fast forward a bit. My family is abundant in numbers. There are so many to see, to hug and to cry and laugh with. But the biggie, the Grand Pooba, the Main Event is...My Dad.

 It's been 22ish years, y'all. On the drive from Jacksonville, Fla. to Murfreesboro, Tn. I'm pretty much just trying to keep my mind on anything BUT seeing my dad. My stomach thanked me later. But when we hit that Tennessee border, it became real. What was I going to say? Would he want to hug me? Who would let go first if he did? Would I cry or be fighting that battle? UGH...I questioned every little thing. I was freaking myself out, getting a knot in my throat, the headache came on like I'd been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I was getting hot and cold, cotton~mouthed and downright nervous as hell. That is until My Uncle Foy (Aunt Angie's Husband) looks right at me and says this..."Girl, you're gonna do just fine. I'm proud of you and I'm right here if you need me." (Did I mention he's NEVER met me until just 2 days prior to this roadtrip and that he's pretty much the ISH?) For some reason, even though my Aunts have told me pretty much the same thing...hearing Uncle Foy speak those words and look me right in the eye calmed me. I don't know if I thanked him for that yet but somehow I think he already knows and if he doesn't, well, I'm gonna have to bust him in the mouth. (Ask me how to join the Club of Mouth Busters)

For some reason I don't want to spill my guts about my Dad and how it all went down. I'll keep it in my heart and hold on to it. But I will share this...
I don't remember who let go of that hug first, doesn't matter. He still smelled like I remember. He told me he loved me. And I got to play a little bit of barefoot Basketball... with my Dad.

Nerves of mush...

I'm a tough lil chica. Stop laughing. Seriously. Ok, maybe not ALL the time. See, the things is this...I'm a mess. Shhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm a mess because I'm feeling the most vulnerable I have in like, oh, forever. I'm not going to get into all the reasons why I think most days I'm pretty put together and have my wits about me. All I need to get off my chest right now is this, I'm scared. Scared that this wonderful reunion will somehow leave me feeling hmmm, what's a good way to put this? Maybe feeling something along the lines of coulda, shoulda, woulda. Makes no sense at all right? Yea, tell me about it. But see, the thing is this, I have a very large extended family that I'm anxious to see and reconnect with after 20+ years and the grown woman and the lil girl in me are having a battle. The grown woman knows that it's going to be beautiful and safe and loving and I'll have them all the rest of my life. That little girl is scared that it will all just vanish again and I'll be left trying to figure out what I did wrong yet again. Ok..this is sounding like a pity party and if you know me you know how I HATE that so I'll just say this in closing...Nerves of mush, get over it. I'm going to take a "big deep breath" (thank you Aunt Angie) and know that "it is what it is" (thank you Aunt Sherry) and that this is going to be INCREDIBLE and that I am loved and this is only the beginning. I'm in store for some awesome times.

WORD

Just another quickie

I know I should really be a bit more diligent about posting new blogs about the daily goings on in my life and the lives of the ones I love but geez...if I did that I would NEVER shuddup!! But I'll give you a quick rundown~

1. My house is clean, but not clean enough for the company (Uncle Danny and Aunt Karyn) that will be here from California in 6 days. Note...don't look under the beds cause that's where a lot of crap will be hidden. No, seriously. ;)

2. Found out that the airlines Chesney and I will be flying on charge $15 dollars PER BAG. What?! So, I'd rather spend my money on worthwhile things like new bathing suits and flip flops and cheesy/tacky gifts to bring back home..Ches and I MUST figure out a way to pack all our stuff into one suitcase, albeit GINORMOUS suitcase to make it worth it.

3. Airlines I say? Flight? Oh, did I forget to mention that we will be flying to Florida next month to visit my beautiful Aunts Angie and Sherry and their families? Oh no? Well, we are! Control your jealousy please! :)

4. I am not defined by my hair. It's just hair. My long, thick, brunette hair. Ahhh, the good ol days. That's all I'm saying, you'll have to see for yourself.

5. David is by far the greatest clothes folder. Ever. Now if I can just get him to put away those expertly folded clothes.

6. Come on TBall, Dallas is ready for ya! That kid's gonna be a star I tell ya!

7. Oh, and I'm almost 34. Woot?

Boo Boo's and Band-Aids

Remember when you were a kid and you got a little scrape, boo boo, owie or whatever your little name was for it and your (insert care giver/make it better person here) would clean it all up, put some medicine on it and gently blow on it to tame the sting then put a band aid on it and somehow it all felt better? The thing probably didn't even need a band aid you just wanted it cause the whole process of getting it made you feel better. And if it was a fancy one with a character on it or was anything other than a plain old tan one you instantly felt better and ran off to show the thing to everyone!! Then you got older and were told to "buck up", "quit crying", "it's not that big of a deal" And you felt all let down and you had to comfort yourself AND get your own damn band aid. Yea...hmmm, the good old days.

Which brings me to this....I don't ever want to stop giving out the kisses and band aids. In all senses of the sort. From little to big kids...we all sometimes need a kiss and hug and a "it'll feel better soon, I promise" from time to time. Sometimes just hearing someone you care about tell you everything's gonna be ok...really makes you feel like it will. No matter what the situation is just knowing that someone else thinks it's gonna be better puts a little band aid on your heart or mind and you feel better. Mind you the owie is still under there but you somehow feel lighter, a little less hurt and a little more~ well, safe. So if any of you ever feel like you need a band aid for any reason...I'll do my best to wrap ya up and make you feel better. Cause everything really is going to be OK.

I write all this while having a Curious George band~aid on my right index finger. Did I really need it? Probably not, but it feels a little better all wrapped around it. It's safe from the element of air or laundry detergent as I do yet another load. I also have one on my heart cause someone I love told me it was going to get better....and it has.

Forgive

Everyone has had a moment (or two) in life where forgiveness has either been asked of or needed. People say, "oh, just forgive and forget" or "all's forgiven".
Well, the word "FORGIVE" has been heavy on my heart lately. Really almost consuming. I don't know if it's ME that needs FORGIVEN or if FORGIVENESS needs to be asked of me. Probably and most likely, it's both. Sometimes this comes easy and other times it's the hardest thing anyone can ask, or give. I wonder if it's easier to just say "sorry" or "I love you" or even an "I've missed you". Hmmm. I have some thinking to do. I think maybe this quote I found a while back can help me...

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.
~Hannah More~

Oh where do I begin?

I can't even begin to begin! It's that insane, incredible, blessed, awesome, spectacular I have not fully grasped it yet. Folks, I have found family. The McNeal's that is. It's such a long story and I'm at work (kinda working, kinda not) so I can't get into a whole lot but I'll just say this for now, I AM LOVED. And I LOVE THEM RIGHT BACK.